The Whys and Wherefores...

*deep breath*

Welcome to my journey...to my change...to my taking back my life and being who I need to be. I named this blog Journey to Myself because for years now, I have looked in the mirror and not seen the person that I think I am in my head. The person in the mirror for the last 10 or so years can't do the things that I want to do like play softball with my daughter or go hiking in the beautiful mountains around us without wanting to lie down and die. So I made a decision to change that image and to work to be myself.

High School Prom 1987

Let me give a little background here - I have never been "skinny", like never. I have been thin (ish), but in simple words, I've always had boobs and hips, so always looked bigger than I was. When I was younger, I was horrified that I wasn't skinny like others. I wanted to be that stick girl, I wanted guys to look at me like they looked at other girls. The funny thing is that now I would kill someone to look like I did when I was 18. Isn't hindsight a bitch?

Around 20 I stopped playing sports and instantly gained weight. I was in denial

for a while to be honest. I got married at 21 and while it was the late 80s (okay it was March 1990, but we hadn't moved on from the 80s quiet yet) I can't look back at my wedding pictures now and not see that all that puffiness isn't just my dress! At the time I didn't think that I was that big...until I had to go into Lane Bryant and buy my clothes. The first few times I had to buy my clothes there I returned them, because there was NO WAY I was a "big girl". I was wrong...

Over the next 10 years I didn't do anything to change the direction that I was going. I continued to eat poorly, not exercise and generally just let myself go. In college Round Table Pizza was #2 on our speed dial at home (and to be honest I love Round Table so much it would probably still be #2) because we ate an entire large pizza AT LEAST three times a week. Looking back now, I am sure that I didn't get some of the jobs that I interviewed for at graduation because I was so big. Oh, and I hadn't stepped on a scale in probably 10 years at this point...just saying.

A turning point for me was when my husband decided to move out. One reason was that I had let myself go so much and wasn't doing anything to change it (there were other things too, but let's be honest, when your spouse tells you that you are fat and they don't want you anymore, you kind of don't hear the other things...). He moved into his own apartment in town and I stayed in our house with the dog and cats...and I ate. Who wouldn't, right? My first thought was a big - "Screw you. I'm going to just get fatter and fatter." That lasted for about a week and then I realized that I felt horrible and reality hit me that he was right...I was fat. (I know that's a forbidden word and all, but really, what other word could describe exactly what it was at that moment?). We started working out together and eventually both of us started at Weight Watchers and he moved back in (24 years married in March...so yeah).

Weight Watchers was wonderful (I was going to go with awesome there, but the alliteration got the best of me)! I lost over 100 pounds and husband lost 80. We looked good and things were good. We even got to meet Duchess Sarah Ferguson, and I have pictures to prove it, because we had done so well. But the best benefit of losing all that weight was that I was able to get pregnant and carry my daughter (we had had 3 miscarriages in 18 months because I have Hashimoto's Syndrome and the weight made it impossible to carry a baby).  I won't lie, though gaining weight while I was pregnant was soooooo hard. I knew in my head that I needed to gain weight for the baby, but still it was hard to allow myself to do that.

After my daughter was born, I waited six weeks and started back to Weight Watchers. I wanted to get back to where I'd been as soon as possible. It was the end of February/beginning of March when I started back to Weight Watchers, and I started losing immediately. I was so happy to be heading back to the body that I'd had pre-baby. AND THEN it stopped. I was gaining a few ounces every week and they were adding up. I was so disappointed. I was doing everything I was supposed to do and I was gaining. In May I found out why....my son. So yes, I had two babies in 10 months (both in the same year even! Right now I have two 10 year olds, and I love telling people that because they always say, "twins?" and I say "no" and they are perplexed...I had to learn to laugh at something about the whole situation -don't judge!).

So, I hadn't lost all the weight from my daughter and now I was pregnant again! I gave up...I will admit it. I felt defeated and like I didn't have a chance.

Fast forward ten or so years.

I was finally ready to try again for real - over the years I'd half-heartedly tried Weight Watchers again and exercising, but I was never really invested or motivated (I didn't think another separation would work this time). Then in 2012, with CRAZY high blood pressure and my kids being more active than ever,  I made the decision to do it. I'd done it before and I could do it again!! So I started Weight Watchers and weighed in every week, went to every meeting, got a personal trainer who kicked my ass for three hours a week (I loved this part of it actually, which surprised the hell out of me!). And I was losing weight...in over a year I lost....drumroll please....TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS!! You were expecting me to say more, weren't you?? Yeah, I was disappointed too, trust me.

Now, you probably think that this was when I decided to do this whole lap band thing?? Oh no! I had to gain back all 25 pounds in a matter of months first...

I got on line one day and started researching bariatric surgery options. I found lap band and it seemed to be the best option for me. (I will explore this in a later post, I promise) Then next step was finding a doctor who I could trust and who knew what he was doing. (Again - this will be another post!). After an exhaustive process trying to get my insurance to pay for this (I know I'm getting redundant, but that will be a post as well), I have had my first appointment with the nurse to get the information I need about before the surgery and after.

I will wrap this up for now, but promise that I will update here often and answer any questions that I can. Tomorrow I will talk about my first appointment with the nurse and what I can expect my life to be after surgery. After all of that, I will leave you with a few things:

My current weight as of 11/22 is 252.6 lbs (I was wearing jeans and didn't take my sunglasses off the top of my head though!!)

My before picture. This is from October on my girls' trip with my bestest friends. Next year we're going somewhere that I can wear a bathing suit, ladies!!

I will say thank you to all of you who are reading this and for your support. I also want to say that this is about me and my journey. Every one needs to find what is right for them. I am not in anyway saying someone is LESS because of their weight. I am doing this to feel better about myself, to get healthier, and to be happy with who I am. Please don't read this as anything but that. I love all my friends deeply, no matter if they are skinny, bigger, tall, short, pregnant with a superhero or whatever. You are considered a friend for who you are, not for what you look like. I love you all!