A New Year? Already?

I can't believe that today is the last day of 2013! I am looking forward to where this journey takes me
in 2014 though.

I'm three weeks post-op and things are getting better all the time. I have added a few things to what I eat, and it's almost like real food! Two staples right now are an egg white with some cheese melted in and a baked potato with bacon/cheddar sprinkle (yeah, that's right!).

Not going to lie, right now...I think New Year's Eve is going to be the hardest for me. Traditionally in my house this is a night surrounded by food. We like to get a pizza (or sometimes make a pizza) and then have snacks out all night while we watch movies until midnight. That's not going to happen tonight.

There's a whole new way of thinking that has come along with this change in my life. I have to rethink how I deal with situations, emotions, celebrations, etc...

I tend to be fairly aware of my own self - I know what my crazy is and I know when I can let it leak out a little and when I need to keep it under wraps. That being said, one of my coping mechanisms is food (Duh!). I don't eat often because I'm hungry (I guess that should be past tense now), I eat because I'm bored, mad, sad, stressed...you pick any adjective and I would find a way to throw food at it.

Being a work at home mom, I think it makes it harder because I can get up any time I want and go graze in the pantry. Yeah, the smart ones out there are saying, "Just don't buy crap to have in your pantry." Sounds logical, but when I'm at the store those BBQ chips sound reeeeaaalllyy good! I know better, I really do, but I just can't help myself.

Or how easy is it on a stressful night to run by McDonald's and pick up burgers and fries for the family for dinner? Too easy! Between my two kids, there are a lot of nights that we have literally 20 minutes between finishing homework and having to be at basketball/football/lacrosse/wrestling practice. That's the time that I say let's run through a drive-thru.

For the past three weeks, I haven't dealt with any of this stuff. I can't eat anything that I would normally snack on or get in a drive-thru, so I've had to find new ways to deal with boredom or my emotions...imagine that!!

Do I still think first, "I'm bored...what can I eat?"? Hell yes! But then I have to remind myself that nope...not going to happen. So I find something else to do - I clean, I read, I work, I play Movie Pop on Facebook (damn time suck that that is!!), I play silly games like Head Bandz with my kids. When the weather gets better I want to walk the dog, ride my bike (okay, I don't have one yet, but I told husband that's what I want for my birthday) or just go walk.

I think that people think that lap band surgery is kind of a "cheat" to losing weigh and that you should do it "the right way". When the fact is, I'm slowly discovering, this is still a lifestyle change. I may have help with portion control, but if I keep doing the same things that I've done in the past (eat to placate my emotions) then I'll end up exactly where I was before.

I plan to succeed at this and reach my goals, so I'm finding new ways to channel my energy and my emotions. Who knows...maybe a new book will come out of this whole thing?

With the new year, I'm going to be finding the new me!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Let's Get Physical

Don't deny that you aren't singing Olivia Newton-John in your head.

Now that the holidays are over, it's time to move on to the next step in this journey of mine.

Yep...I'm heading to the gym next week!

Let me say here that I have never liked exercise of any kind. I played softball when I was growing up and I liked that (I was fairly decent at it too!). But other than that, I have never enjoyed any kind of exercise. Until the last few years...

One thing that I've talked about before was that I spent a year with a personal trainer and that's what I really enjoyed. I was doing Crossfit training 3 days a week and I actually LOVED it! Believe me I was as surprised as anyone.

I'm pretty sure that it was because I had an awesome trainer who I adored and who kicked my ass. There was no pulling any "I think I'm going to puke" to get out of whatever form of torture she was using on me that day. Her response was always, "Well, go puke in the trash can and finish up." It's exactly what I needed...to be pushed. I both hated and loved going to my training sessions.

One of the reasons that I got this surgery done was because I actually WANT to be able to exercise better. When you are fat (yeah I said it...no way to deny that's what I am) the exercises you can are do a limited. I was so embarrassed the first time I TRIED to do a pull-up. And running?? Yeah, that's probably one of the most unpleasant sites one could see. Young children were screaming as they ran away. So walking, the weight machines at the gym...that's about it. I want to do more!

I never appreciated the benefit of the workouts that I was doing. Yeah, I was actually toning things when I was doing all those burpees! Want to know how I know this? Because I am right now at about the lowest weight that I was when I was at my lowest. I thought this was awesome and quickly ran to put on my favorite jeans from then...they don't fit! WHAT??

I realized that the reason those jeans don't fit is because - yes, I've lost weight, but I haven't been working out at all and so it's just weight going away and no muscle being created...(That whole thought process MAY have happened after I threw more than one pair of jeans across the room - just saying).

So, on the day the kids go back to school, I'm taking my ass to the gym so I can work off, well my ass.

I'm planning to start slowly on the treadmill for a good half hour, and by the end of the month will start back with a trainer (not my favorite one in the whole world, but...) and I plan to be in those jeans soon!

 

Merry Christmas!

So it's Christmas Eve... traditionally in my house that means baking cookies all day for Santa, 5:00 family Mass, Little Caesar's Pizza, and children cracked out ALL day. My new reality is going to have to be slightly altered this year...

I did bake some cookies already this season (I make two kinds that people ask for). It was fine though because neither of the ones that I made are my particular favorites - I'm not really a "sweets person", but put a bag of chips in front of me and it's all over! - I made the Snickers Surprise and the chocolate chip meringue cookies without incident...didn't even lick my fingers! I did leave out one cookie that I usually make, however, because those I would have been tempted to eat. They are simple sugar cookies with homemade icing.

When none of the sugar cookies appeared, my son (who also is not a "sweets person") asked where the ones he liked were. Cue the dramatic music as the guilt washed over me and I felt selfish for not making them because I knew they were the only ones he ate and I didn't make them because I didn't want to be tempted. UGH!

So, I bought the break apart sugar cookies for the kids to make today and I'll make them frosting and let THEM do the sugar cookies. My guess is they will be gone soon after they are done anyways.

The other change in our tradition is that while we will still get Little Caesar's Pizza, I'll be having applesauce or oatmeal...a sacrifice, I know. (The good news is for Christmas breakfast I get eggs and at Christmas dinner I can have mashed potatoes - don't get all jealous!)

But, I'm finally feeling good. I feel like I'm me again and not tired all the time (not to say that I don't take a nap in the afternoon - but I did that a lot before the surgery so it doesn't count). I am feeling NORMAL and that means a lot to me.

Yesterday was 2 week post-op and I was down another couple pounds. I took a picture on the day of the surgery, and another yesterday wearing the same thing. Now this is definitely me "baring all" to the world in the blog (don't worry - remember I said I was wearing clothes!). So, here is my before and two weeks after pictures...I don't see much difference, but my mom says she can see that my face
is thinner.

Dec. 9, 2013

Dec. 23, 2013

Oh...and one thing that won't change is that the kids will be cracked out ALL day and driving me crazy!!

Hope everyone has a very merry Christmas!

First Post-OP...dun, dun, dun

Hello all!!

I have had the intention to update you all on how things are going, but with Christmas quickly
approaching, and my Mom visiting for the holiday, and the kids having activities..welll, yeah so those are my lists of excuses. Really? Okay, it's because things have been pretty much the same as the last time I updated.

I've been able to add a few things to the diet that have helped a little with how tired I am. I am having protein drinks and yogurt these days...so yay! The hardest part right now is that I actually want to eat food. It looks and smells good to me now. Last week, I would get hungry and didn't actually want food. Now, I WANT FOOD!

I ordered Papa John's pizza for the family this week (I don't care for Papa John's myself, so I figured that would be a good thing and I wouldn't want any)...I actually thought about just chewing some and spitting it out! Still not to a point of pureeing pizza, but give me a few more weeks and I might shove a slice into my Magic Bullet and pull out a straw!

Yesterday I had my first Post-op visit with the nurse. Nothing too exciting to report from that. Just got the bandages off my incisions. She said she was impressed with how I was healing - which I take as a compliment (I'll take any that I can get!).

OH! I did get weighed when I went in too... Knowing this, I wore the same thing I wore the first time I was weighed on November 22 (which included jeans - women know what I'm talking about when I mention that). I wanted it to be pretty accurate. Now, let me say that I have weighed myself pretty much daily -not going to lie - but this was going to be the "OFFICIAL" weight from the time I started this journey. To remind you all, I started this at 252.6 pounds. Less than a month later I am at 231.0 pounds! Now, I always provide the disclaimer that I haven't been eating for a week or so, so I do realize that this is going to slow down. BUT...it's still almost as much as I lost in a year of dieting and private training. I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym after the new year though, so that I can keep this up!

While at the doctor's, I asked the nurse about how much I should be able to "eat" in a sitting at this point. She said that I should be able to finish a whole protein drink. So, I thought, well...I need to get myself started on a more scheduled eating rather than just picking around when I get REALLY hungry. With that in mind I loaded up my Magic Bullet with a Pina Colda smoothie and sucked it down...BAD IDEA!

Yesterday was the first bad day that I've had since this whole thing started. I felt light headed and my stomach hurt...I felt horrible. Of course being the crazy, busy mom that I am, there were things that needed to be done and I couldn't NOT do them. I ended up dry heaving more than a few times and still not feeling any better. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but my guess is that I just took too much in and my body rebelled. After passing out last night and sleeping for hours, I woke up this morning feeling better. I'm not keen of trying to eat anything this morning though...

 This was the first time since I've had the surgery that I had a moment of "Maybe this wasn't the best idea". I hated feeling the way that I did, and I am so scared of it happening again. I'll admit that when I crawled into bed, I cried for a few minutes... I'm not good with being out of control, and this was definitely out of my control. I am sure that I will have more moments that are trying along this road, but this first one was tough.

Now, I'm looking forward to the two week mark! That will be Tuesday. I am planning a post for that day and maybe a little before/after picture. I figure as long as I'm doing this, I'm going all out and letting you all see me - as terrifying as that is. And next week I get applesauce, oatmeal, eggs, and mashed potatoes!! WHOOT WHOOT!

My Invalid Week

Hello, All!!

It's been 5 days since my surgery, and I am FINALLY feeling like myself again. Of course it's 6 in the morning and I've been up since 3, so that might just be the dementia of lack of sleep and food?? Either way, thought it would be a good time for an update.

The deed was done on Monday, and everything seemed to go fine. The surgeon even gave my husband some LOVELY pictures of things like the actual lap band in place, and the hiatal hernia that he found and fixed. BONUS!! It was like an early Christmas present from the surgeon.

My memories of anything after the anesthesiologist strapped my arm down are fuzzy...to say the least. I woke up three hours later, had some ice chips, and then was dressed and walked out to the car. Honestly, it seemed pretty quick that it all happened, and I'm pretty sure I was still a little under. I don't remember much of that whole rest of the day. I know that when we got home, I put on a nightgown, eased myself into the most comfortable chair that has ever been created and was in and out of consciousness for the next several hours.

On Tuesday, I said a lot of things like, "Did the kids say they had to come through the back door?" and "Did you tell me you went to Chuck O Rama?" because while I'm pretty sure those aren't things I would EVER dream about...I honestly wasn't sure. The best one, however, was when I called my best friend and asked her if I let her know after the surgery was done. (Yes, I probably could have easily checked my phone...but things weren't quite processing at the moment). She laughed and said that I texted her, but was obviously out of it. Here is the exact text exchange:

BF: Are you alive?
ME: Yep hwading hone now.
BF: Are you doped up?  You're topping would suggest that you are... Typing not topping. Maybe I'm doped up too
ME: Look whose talking...ghost aha
BF: Ghost? Lol Did it go ok?
ME: Just one gand and In a little pain. Yep
BF: Ok. Take a nap.

Tuesday was spent napping and taking VERY small sips of water. I was able to have a popsicle and that worked out fine until I tried a Root beer flavored one. I'll just say that I've not had another of those since that day (though I have had several grape and cherry ones!). I also was able to have a few bites of Jell-o. I know you all are jealous!

Wednesday it was time for me to go back to my day job and take my kids to school. So I showered and blow dried my hair....and I was done. I needed to rest after that. Which pisses me off to no end I have to say. I took the kids to school and came home to my spot on the couch. But of course, me being me...I actually had a hair appointment that day (And there was NO WAY I was missing that appointment because my hairdresser is booked 3 months out!). So after a few hours of sitting and sipping my water, I tried to put my make-up on. Notice the word "tried"...yeah that wasn't going to happen.

Now, before you all scream and yell about letting my body heal and all, the hairdresser wasn't any more strenuous than sitting at home. I sit in a chair and, well that's it. I brought my bottle of water for sipping even. The hardest part was that I actually put a bra on and can I just say that I had the thought that if it was a woman who had done the surgery she would have picked a different place for one of those incisions than right in the middle of my breastbone! It if fricking hard to wear a bra when that's the case. I looked good when I left...and promptly went home to nap until I had to pick up the kids from school!)

I'll skip ahead to Friday (because other than no hairdresser Thursday was the same - water, popsicles, Jell-o, napping). On Friday, I felt halfway decent! Still some pain getting up and sitting down, but other than that...good. I put on make-up, went to the store and even wrapped some gifts and with the help of the kids did some laundry (of course I was wiped out at the end of the day...). And I got to add skim milk to my diet!!

Now let me say here that I have THOUGHT I was hungry in the past...but I after having nothing but

water and colored water with sugar for four days, I was wrong. I have those painful stomach clenching hunger pangs. When I was hungry before, it was self inflicted and I could really have whatever I wanted, but was trying to be good. This is different when you can't eat...literally.

All that being said, that 1/4 cup of skim milk that I had was one of the most satisfying things that has crossed my lips ever!!

Over the week, I have been lucky enough to have a great support system. My husband has been AMAZING. He's taken care of the kids and made sure they got fed and put to bed every night (not to mention getting them to whatever activities they needed to be at on any given night). My mostest favoritest girlies sent Jell-o, popsicles, protein drinks and flowers. And I've been checked on by numerous people. I can't say thank you enough to all of them! I think the hardest thing hasn't been the hunger or the pain, it's been the fact that I've had to let other people to help me...that's always the hardest thing.

I'll wrap things up here...which given that we are 10 days from Christmas is kind of appropriate (and if anyone wants to come wrap up at my house, let me know!).  Tomorrow I get yogurt, so stay tuned for that exciting twist!!

The Last Meal

Yes, that's right...I had my last meal (for a while).

I've been preparing the house all week - you know, laundry is all done, place is fairly clean, fridge is stocked for husband to feed my monkeys. And now as I sit down for the first time today (had our annual double Birthday Party for my kids today) I'm starting to think about the consequences and my future.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30am MST I will be heading into surgery for my lap band. This is a change for the rest of my life.

Am I scared? Ummmm...not of the surgery. More scared of the incredible life change that will happen after the surgery. My whole world will have to change. No more just running by McDonald's on my way home or picking up a pizza for the family. In reality, I will still be ABLE to eat those things, but will really have to be careful with them. I think that there will be a lot of experimenting in my future.

Here's the thing - I have an eating disorder that makes this whole thing that much more difficult and daunting. For years I was called a "picky eater". I only eat a handful of different foods, and trying  something new causes a panic attack. Logically, I know that things must taste good because millions of people eat them, but in my mind it just doesn't look like something I should eat. A few years ago husband brought up a story on the web about a new eating disorder that was being studied at Duke University. It's called Selective Eating Disorder.

After reading the article, I cried. For 40 years I have dealt with doctors, friends, strangers, my in-laws telling me that I was silly and it was all in my head (which is kinda true, but not in the way they were thinking). Now, to have find that this is something that more people deal with  made it feel like I wasn't alone. And once I started reading about other people's stories, I discovered that I actually wasn't as bad as a lot of people with this disorder. I will eat a Cesear salad and baked potato which I can get at most restaurants, so that's something. (Really Google Selective Eating Disorder and see what some of these people eat - some have like 4 things they can eat!)

So, having this extra hurdle makes this thing all the more scary!

Protein is a major requirement for the lap band to work properly, and that's probably what I eat the least of in my diet. So, I have been looking at things that I can eat that will help me with getting enough protein. I like eggs, so that will  probably be a major staple in my life. And I will be investing in protein powder and protein shakes (Muscle Milk makes and AWESOME banana cream protein shake so that's a plus). One of my goals is to add chicken into my diet. I think that for me that will be an important thing to do in order to succeed...and that's what's scary.

I don't want to fail...I won't allow myself to fail at this.

Oh, I bet you all want to know what I had for my last meal...baked ziti with garlic toast - YUM!!

Wish me luck! Next update will post my "before" pic and let you all know how the surgery went.

Maybe This Isn't For Me?

As the holiday weekend comes to a close, and my house is decorated for Christmas, I thought I'd share a little present I didn't have to wrap (because Lord knows I have enough of that to do!)

So tonight I wanted to "talk" about my first meeting with the nurse at the surgeon's office. I had this appointment last Friday (the day before the family headed to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving - may not have been my best planning move, I have to say). This appointment was a chance for me to sit down with the nurse and find out what to expect after the surgery. I won't lie, I was already nervous going into this.

Of course the first thing she did was weigh me. UGH!! Nothing worse than seeing those digital numbers and then hear someone say it out loud. I hate that! I weighed a few pounds more than I thought I was going to, so that was disappointing as well. I will maintain that I didn't take my sunglasses off the top of my head and I was wearing jeans (I won't make that mistake again!).

Once the humiliation of being weighed was over, the nurse left the room for a few minutes to apparently plug my data into some sort of formula so she could find my BMI. Now let me say that I think the BMI is an evil tool. I understand that there is a need to have a blanket way to evaluate weight and health. The problem that I have is that it doesn't take into account a "body-type". A great example is my son. He is ALWAYS in the 85th percentile on his weight when he has his physical.
Being in the 85th percentile makes him overweight! He's not overweight. Anyone who has seen my son knows that he isn't overweight. He's an athlete. He's only 10, but he plays football (tackle and guard), he wrestles, and he's a lacrosse goalie...he's not overweight. But according to the BMI charts he is. Fortunately, we have a great doctor and every year she says to me, "He's not overweight. That's all muscle."

I mentioned before that I have hips and boobs...so the BMI doesn't work for me. It says that I should weigh 142 pounds - that's just nuts! I would look like I was sick if I got down that low (but who knows, maybe this lap band surgery will get me that low? I haven't made that weight since high school). So, for my BMI doesn't mean much more than a suggestion...

*steps off my soapbox*

Anyway...when the nurse came back with that magic number, she handed me a packet and a purple sheet of paper. On this paper was my pre-op calorie intake for two weeks. Yep, that's right...here's where the whole "timing" thing comes into play...I have been on a "diet" for the last week. The paper I had said that for my BMI (which I was informed was 43.5) my caloric intake for the next two weeks was supposed to be 800 - 960 calories! HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah I laughed.  As I looked at the different breakouts, I thought, "Damn! I should have gained waaay more weight so I could at least get into the 1200 calories a day - that I could do!

The reason for the diet for two weeks before is two fold: first, they don't want people to gorge themselves for the weeks leading up to the surgery. Second, when they do the surgery the surgeon has to physically move the liver to get to the stomach, and apparently when you lose weight, the first place you lose it is the liver. Who knew? So the smaller your liver, the easier the surgery, the better the recovery.

I will be totally honest...I haven't eaten 800-960 calories over the past week. I can give all kinds of excuses (we were away from home in a hotel all week), but I have paid attention and been around 1200 calories a day. And really??? If I could eat like that I wouldn't need lap band surgery! But I think that I've lost a few pounds (I'll find out on Tuesday).

Also in this folder that I was given was my post op diet. Ummmm...what? I was not expecting the month worth of restrictive eating. Here's what the month after surgery looks like:

Day 1-3 = clear liquids only (though I can do juices and Jell-O and popsicles - and now I'm

wondering if I can make pizza popsicles??)
Day 4-5 = if not nauseated, I get to have skim milk (I did cringe a little that I might still be nauseated after 4 days)
Day 6-9 = full liquids (I can add pudding and yogurt)
Day 10-14 = pureed diet (anything I can drink through a straw)
Day 15-28 = the "healing diet" (food the consistency of applesauce)
After 4 weeks I can start adding solid food back into my diet.

Oh, and here's a fun one, you cannot drink with your meals. That means, once I start eating, I can no longer have anything to drink. That's HARD!! Next time you are eating, try that. Once you have a plate of food in front of you, push your drink away from you and don't touch it for the entire meal...bet you can't do it!

The nurse was very nice, and she gave me her cell number so I will have it if I have any questions, which I truly appreciated. And that was basically our meeting.

I walked out, my head spinning with all of this information - and I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes crying. For the first time since I had decided to do this, I wasn't sure if I could do it. So much information swirled in my head. The thought of not eating for 28 days, or pureeing spaghetti or mac & cheese (and yes, those were suggested on the handout!) had me really scared.

I'm not afraid of the surgery...I'm afraid of failing.

I called my best friend and vented to her for a while and she calmed me down, because that's what best friends do for you. She reminded me of why I was doing this, of the support that I will have in my life, and how much she'll hate me when I lose a bunch of weight.

So in the end, I have my meeting with the surgeon on Tuesday where I will hand over a small fortune.

Thank you all again for the support, and I'll be back to let you know about the surgeon visit. Maybe there will be something new I find out! And if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me. I do have plans to do a post about exactly what will happen when I have the surgery, and then a week from tomorrow I go for my surgery...that's when the fun begins!